I Am My Best When I …

Posted by Meilena Hauslendale

We all know that feeling, that feeling we get when we know we are on the right path.  There is that sense of balance that comes over us and embraces our hearts with the most perfect warmth.  It’s that moment when we feel like everything is perfect and we are content.  We couldn’t ask for anything more or anything less.  We are finally at home with ourselves and ready to face whatever the world throws at us.

When we are not at balance, there are doubts and concern.  We feel although we are hitting obstacles instead of pathways.  This is when there is something standing in the way of our spiritual energies.  There is a blockage that prevents us from going forward with grace and ease.

The universe has its own rhythm.  It is our duty to find that rhythm within ourselves that allows us to go along with the flow of our intuitive destiny.  When are we our best?  What stands in our way from being our best?  What do we feel prompted to do and become?  Are we on the path or are we up against walls?

So answer this, “I am my best when I…”

Living with Alcoholism: Seeking a Support System

Posted by Meilena Hauslendale

Dealing with a loved one’s alcoholism can take away from your self-esteem and your ability to trust your own sense of judgment.  You may start out positive and very out-going and then turn into someone you no longer know.  Instead of having hope for the future, you may only feel despair. Instead of feeling a sense of confidence in your life choices you may find yourself second guessing your decisions or feel a sense of fogginess.

Just as alcoholism has stages of progression for the alcoholic it also has stages of progression for the alcoholic’s loved ones.  We continue to get worse along with our alcoholics.  We have to get “sick” before we can get better.  Loved ones of alcoholics have to become sick and tired of being sick and tired before they have the desire to seek outside help.  The definition of insanity is trying the same things over and over and expecting different results.  Without the proper tools and understanding of the behaviors and patterns of an addict we can easily fall prey to addiction.  Our behavior can then have impact on those around us especially when children are involved.

Seeking out positive coping methods and support systems is the key to our own recovery.  Talking with others that share the same grief and have experienced similar situations with alcoholism can turn our anger into awareness and our confusion into clarity.  There are options to speak with counselors or you have the option to seek out a free support system called Al-anon Family Groups.  There are hotlines for Al-anon that you can call and even online meetings that are scheduled if you do not have a meeting location in your area.

Living with Alcoholism: When have you had enough?

Posted by Meilena Hauslendale

Once we start to acknowledge that our loved ones have a problem with alcoholism or another addiction that impairs their ability it is up to us to decide when we have had enough of being involved with them.  There are always excuses.  There are always apologies, but actions speak the loudest of words.  It is up to us to be honest with ourselves and truly look at the relationship for what it really is.  We have to separate the fact that our alcoholic may be our relatives, friends, or spouse and we have to look towards our own future and decide whether we want to continue to be on the roller coaster or not.

Even beyond recovery, taking the alcohol away from the alcoholic does not repair damage done.  It does not rebuild trust that was broken.  Most importantly it does not make up for lost time.  We maintain loyalty to our relationships with family and friends, but we have to at some point question their labels to us versus their purpose.  A mutual and loving relationship should not leave us with guilt or confusion.  A mutual healthy relationship with another person should not involve the manipulation of one another’s actions or will.

Some people will make healthy choices in their sobriety and some will not.  Some of the same patterns and behaviors that were present in active alcoholism will resurface in different forms.  It is up to us to continue our own recovery and focusing on our own patterns so that we can make conscious decisions on whether we want to continue to participate or not.  By discovering our own awareness we are able to establish boundaries for ourselves.  We are able to determine if we are making healthy choices and placing ourselves around healthy people.

The patterns we were so accustomed to will no longer feel “normal.”  The old shoe will no longer fit.  We need to be patient with ourselves during this in between time as we will go back and fourth between our old behaviours and new healthy ones.  Eventually we will find our balance and ultimately the answers we need to move forward.

You don’t have to do it alone.  Find a local support group in your area or online at Al-Anon Family Groups.

Living with Alcoholism: Who has the addiction?

Posted by Meilena Hauslendale

Family members of alcoholics often focus their energy on the problem being the alcoholic.  They do not realize that their involvement and responses play a key role in the alcoholic’s life.  Where there is an alcoholic, there is usually an enabler lurking in the background.  The enabler is the one that provides care to the alcoholic in a way that is not always healthy.

One of the definitions of “enable” is to “make things possible.”  This is exactly what an enabler to an alcoholic does.  The enabler makes it possible for the alcoholic to continue the behavior with minimal repercussions.  The enabler although thinks they are protecting the alcoholic is actually preventing them from reaching the bottom that they need to hit before recovery.

What counts as enabling?

• Supplying the alcoholic with funds to buy alcohol or other addictions.
• Paying for their personal well-being including food, shelter, clothing, cell phones, transportation
• Paying for restitution, bail, legal fees
• Covering up for their mistakes
• Making excuses for their behavior

What is the best thing you can do to help your alcoholic loved one in a healthy way?

• Focus on yourself – When you are constantly focusing on another human being and worrying about them it takes away from you.  The time and energy that you devote worrying about another person is not your responsibility.  Practice taking more time out for yourself daily.  Get into a new healthy habit and focus on yourself.  This could mean taking time to write down your thoughts, going for a walk, or doing something that you enjoy.
• Stop participating – You have the right to not argue.  You have the right to walk away from someone that is acting out unreasonably.  You have the right to set boundaries and stick to them.  By not participating with someone that wants to argue, you are protecting your emotional well-being.  When the person is able to talk rationally and calmly then a conversation can occur.
• Find a safe place – If at any time during your relationship with an alcoholic you feel that you or your children are being physically or emotionally harmed, seek a safe place to go.  Maybe you can stay with a relative or a close friend.  Know that it is your responsibility to protect yourself and children during a transitional time.  This does not mean that you have to permanently vacate your alcoholic.  It just means that you are finding a safe place for you and your family until further action can be made.  Consider this a cool down period and a safe way for you both to make healthier decisions about your relationship towards one another going forward.

An enabler has an addiction too… taking care of their alcoholic.  Becoming aware of your role in an alcoholic’s life can help you see your own addictive patterns.  Don’t always assume the alcoholic is the only one with the problem.  Assess your involvement and look towards making changes.  Take baby steps and they will turn into leaps.

You don’t have to do it alone.  Find a local support group in your area or online at Al-Anon Family Groups.

Why can I never just sit down and make myself write?

Posted by Meilena Hauslendale

Don’t feel bad at all if you have trouble making yourself sit down and write. I think this is completely natural and this happens to a lot of writers from time to time. It’s good though to get into the practice of overcoming your mind and making yourself write something to walk yourself through it. Just the mere practice of writing alone can develop into a concept or idea.

Procrastination can be one the biggest obstacles in a writer’s life. If we keep putting off our own writing needs, then a week can turn into months, and months can turn into years without us even realizing. When you feel the urge to write, grab whatever is by you— your phone, your computer, a napkin, or paper and write something. Even writing a sentence can kill off procrastination.

The number one excuse I hear when writers come to me is that they “don’t have time to write”, but they want to so bad. I understand we are busy playing different roles in our lives. We are parents. We are employees. We are business owners. We are spouses to loved ones. We have a lot of daily responsibilities that we are in charge of taking care of. However, need us not forget we are also human beings, with an ever constant “thinking” mind with trapped thoughts that are yearning to find an outlet. The time you spend quietly thinking can be the time you spend quietly writing.

You write about your intuitions in your book, Onward Rising. How do you know when you are on the right path in life?

Posted by Meilena Hauslendale

I get asked this question frequently as I think it can be the most beneficial question to ask.  Everyone has a purpose.  We are always placed in the right place at the right time even if we do not realize it at that exact moment.  Sometimes we are put into situations that we would never set out to involve ourselves in and then we find out later that had we not been at that location at that time, we would never have met the intended contacts that we made.  When we go with the flow instead of always trying to have our own way, we may find out that there is a path that opens up and guides us to exactly where we are supposed to be.

I live my life on intuition and instinct.  It has always taken me to different states and locations.  Each location always had a purpose.  Had I not stepped out of my hometown and embarked on this journey I would have never grown into the woman I am now.  I would have never accomplished what I was intended to or established the life I have nor would I have helped the people I was intended to.  We have jobs to do here.    There’s the “job” you have to earn money and punch a time clock and then there is the job you have to do in life.  Some people numb their intuitions with outside chaos and even substances to avoid their intuitive responsibilities.  This can lead to depression and feeling unfulfilled in life.

I think our first responsibility in life is to remove the obstacles that stand in between you and your intuition.  If you feel “cloudy” or feel as though you are lacking clarity right now to even hear your intuition then this could be caused by life obstacles.  You have to ask yourself the following:

1.  Do I participate in unnecessary drama involving other people?

2.  Do I use substances or have addictions that alter my capacity to listen to my intuition?

3.  Do I overwork myself to the point of exhaustion?

4.  Do I carry baggage from my past that interferes with my present and future?

Once you have the obstacles removed, you can then take time to sit down and listen to your intuition.  If you have to start with just 5 or 10 minutes of meditation, then this is fine.  You can increase your time as you feel it is needed.  Just so you take time to sit with yourself and find some organization with your own thoughts.  Visualize where you see yourself going.  Learn to listen to yourself and trust what your gut instincts are telling you.  You might discover that you need to make a change.  You might learn something new about yourself or see yourself in a different way.  Take time to explore who you are and your path will open up or be uncovered.  It’s moments when we don’t feel as though we are on our path that we need to stop and listen.

Relationship Patterns: Only the Faces Change

Posted by Meilena Hauslendale

Are you seeing reoccurring patterns in your relationships with others?  Are you noticing that you are encountering similar issues with even different people?  If you answered yes to either one of these questions then chances are you have a relationship pattern.  A relationship pattern is when we seek the same characteristics in a relationship over and over.  We may wonder why our relationships fail time after time when the people we choose are in fact different.  The reason they fail is because we keep assuming the same role and seeking the same characteristics in a person that will play along with us.

In order to correct this behavior we need to dissect our roles in relationships beginning with the roles we play in family, friendships, and love relationships.  Whether we want to realize it or not our relationships with our family carry over to our wants and needs with love relationships.  So if anything is damaged or lacking without correction we carry this baggage over to love relationships.  If we assume an “enabler” role with our family, we will likely seek a person that we can enable in our love life.  If we were abused in any way, we will seek a person that abuses us.  If we had a family that did not show us an abundance of love, we will seek a relationship that is not very affectionate.  Why do we do this?  We take on the same role because we have established a familiarity with this behavior.  The same behavior becomes a comfort zone and one we are quite familiar with playing.  To do anything different would be overwhelming and foreign.

If we want to change the pattern, we have to identify which relationships in our life were unhealthy.  We have to assess the roles that we played and bring them into awareness so that we can actually make a change.  We can’t change something if we don’t know a change is needed.  We can’t show love to others if we don’t feel we know what healthy love is.  We take what we were shown initially and raised by and identify this as “healthy” love when in reality it may not be.  We have to decipher illusions from reality if we want to seek an easier and softer way of life without going in circles.

Albert Einstein’s definition of insanity is when we do the same thing over and over and expect different results.  Until we uncover our own behaviors in relationships we will seek the same roles and expect different results.